You know it's kinda weird to see someone you know you were going to ask out in the near future and you just lose feelings for them in a snap. It's like the lights turn on and you see that the room's been empty and everything you've assumed inside wasn't there after all. It's hard to explain.
Part of me thinks I'm fickle and I've just grown accustomed to that feeling of temporary infatuation. Then you realize it doesn't matter and you don't matter to them and it was all just overthinking in your head. You're back to square one with one less person you had feelings for.
Lately, I've been too focused on nothing, if that makes sense. I really, really wanted to see if things go right with this lady. I really wanted to take a chance and see where it goes.
There's a quote I always go back to whenever I have a setback in work or my career in general. It's a quote from wrestling manager and former promoter Paul Heyman said in the Rise and Fall of ECW documentary.
"I'll risk failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous."
On Tuesday, I had my last day alone in the classroom before the disrespectful classmates came back for the last two days of class. I like to think that Tuesday, January 17, was my final day in school. I've said my goodbyes. I've taken in the moments in the empty classroom. A classroom I won't see again soon.
My teacher was there on campus surprisingly so I was able to thank her properly for all her help. I couldn't have made it this far without her. The back row of classroom was considered cursed because the people I shared a row with had either quit or got kicked out. It was depressing for me but my teacher was happy that I stayed and made it through. I told her how nervous I was to move on, how sad I was that I wanna know what happens next. She said she wouldn't have given me all these tasks in class if she didn't think I can do it. She believed in me when I know I couldn't and I consider that a kind gesture.
Today, January 18, I properly offered my gratitude to another teacher. She called me a kind person, which I appreciate. Sometimes I don't feel it but I try to be kind whenever I can. "Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind," I said. I told her that I was thankful I had her as a teacher. She basically said that the best thing for a teacher was to watch their students flourish. I thanked her for being patient with me and how I can never thank her enough.
I could never thank these teachers enough. They changed my life. They taught me everything I know in this new career I'm taking. I wish I won't disappoint them.
Everything ends and it's always sad, but everything begins again, too. And that's always happy. Be happy. - 12th Doctor
Part of me is sad that school is ending. I mean, it was only a 5-month course and it was so good to get A's again. It's been years since I've done well in school. This is just a step to a better career. I had great teachers that helped me out so much. I'm sad about my routine being over. Graduation goggles, as they call it.
I could do so much more. So much more. But this is what I get. My reward. Well, it's not fair! - 10th Doctor
I had high hopes of making good connections with these people I called classmates. Despite my optimism for new social links, they have been disappointing, to say the least.
I wish it could've gone differently with these people but at the same time, I dislike everything about them for how they treated me. I honestly can't stand them hindering class with their bullshit, if I'm being honest (and I always am).
There was a time when I was hoping to have a better friendship with this classmate who I used to like. It's been a while since I actually liked someone and had a reason to be in the same room as them. Unfortunately, they never meet my self-imposed expectations
My time with this collective group of disappointments is coming to an end and I know it could've been better. I could've done so much more. So much more. And this is my reward. I can't say it's not fair but I dislike it. I didn't do a goddamn thing.
There was a point where I expected things to go differently. It was in the program's early stages, and I was still trying to be this friendly person who introduced himself to everyone because I wanted to make connections for this new career I was pursuing. As time went on, they just stopped acknowledging me for some reason. I still don't know why and I resent a lot of them for it.
Well, let's get the dramatic description of how I saw things and how I expected something out of the way again.
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I finished the quiz that day, half an hour early, and had lots of time to calm down. I wanted to calm down and relax somewhere. I didn't know anyone else that well yet so those storylines and social links haven't started yet. I remember it would've been a great opportunity to talk to the girl I like, the one I have a big crush on, but I could never get any opportunities. I sat on this yellow bench outside my classroom. Not the best seat but it'll do. I put on my earphones and listen to some HAIM. The song, "Lost Track". Very appropriate.
♫ Mastered my own luck
But it wasn't easy
I'm tryin' to feel alright
Around all these people
I try, but I'm just numb
This time ♫
As the song played through my earphones, I just thought, well, nothing's gonna happen today so might as well just stay in my own head.
Then without warning, she comes from around the corner, finishing a phone call. I recognized that blonde hair anywhere. As she sat down on the same bench, I thought, this must be a joke, right?
A chance to talk to someone I admire just came out of nowhere. How often would that happen?
"Oh hey," I said casually. "Everything okay?"
She smiled and nodded. "Everything's good. How are you?"
"I'm okay, just vibing," I said jokingly, trying to be a cool guy. "So tell me more about your life story."
She told me more about herself, which I've wanted to hear for several weeks now. It was nice to know more about this person through casual, lighthearted conversation. We exchanged details about our college lives, what we did in the past, and what were our backgrounds like.
She said she liked having her friend around so she can be humble. "I need her to humble me," she remarked. To this day, I still don't know what she meant by that.
Her friend came out and said they'd get lunch together. As disappointed as I was that it had to end, I'm glad it happened. "I'll see you around," I said.
"See you later, Ralph!" she replied, walking away, drifting into conversation with her friend.
That was a nice surprise, I thought. Can't wait till the next time.
I put my earphones back on and resume playing the song I was listening to.
♫ Meeting you caused a chain reaction (chain reaction)
I'll take the smallest crumb
But I'll never get back what I lost track of ♫
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I remember writing a ton of these back in 2011, dramatizing my interactions with the women I've liked throughout the years. I always like putting it all in writing because I know I'll forget these moments in the future.
I'll admit that I really felt nice about that moment on the bench. Looking back, once again, it could've been so much more.
